Whoever is marketing Idaho to potential buyers looking to relocate from places like California, Washington and Utah...shame on you.
Once you sell someone a home in Idaho and they move in? You'll probably get a 1 star rating on Yelp or Google Reviews because you were TERRIBLY dishonest with your clients. Idaho's actually the most dangerous and miserable state in the nation to relocate to!
That's why we've got to take time to set the record straight. After we shared an article about four seemingly beautiful blue lakes in Southern Idaho that should be on your summer bucket list, we learned some really disturbing things about the Gem State. Don't add them to your bucket list. Don't come here. You'll be sorry if you do!*
The Coronavirus Turned Everyone in Idaho Into Zombies*
And now, it’s simply just not safe here. We know, this one sounds super familiar as fans have hypothesized for years that it was a virus that led to the Zombie outbreak on AMC’s Walking Dead. Creator, Robert Kirkman, has never confirmed what the “virus” is called but laid out how it works pretty clearly in the series. Never watched an episode? Long story short. Everyone’s infected with it and it’s inevitable that they will return as blood-thirsty, killing-machine zombies. So…we mean…it could be some new coronavirus variant…or at least, that’s Sophie G.’s story and she’s sticking to it.
The State is Involved in a Horrible Cover-up*
And we’re taking Utah down with us. Mario S. exposed both states who post pretty pictures of their lakes, but never mention they’re full of “COVID-20.” When you find that out, there’s really no reason to come swim, paddleboard or relax here. We feel so naked now that it’s out in the open. (Also, Sophie G. and Mario S., we need to get you on a Zoom call so we’re all on the same page of whether or not this is one or two separate zombie viruses we need to be worried about.)
Idaho Is Full*
Thanks to Tom S. for this reminder. Yes, Idaho is indeed full. In 2019, local legend and KTVB Anchorman, Mark Johnson “confirmed” that there is indeed a fairly long waiting list to get on to even consider making a move to Idaho and you don’t have time for that.
We Have a Lot of Animals with Bad Attitudes and Sharp Teeth
Ok. We couldn’t really put Stan B.’s “What People Think Idaho Is Like” meme into words any other way. In the top photo is a stunningly beautiful blue lake similar to the ones from last week’s article and that caption. Below the second caption, “What It’s Really Like” are several pictures of bears and wolves showing their ominous, sharp and drool covered fangs. We think the third picture is of a Mountain Lion trying to attack a guy and while it’s too blurry to tell…we can confirm, we’ve got plenty of those in the Gem State, too.
Our Ducks are Venomous*
A-Max V., why did you wait so long to speak up?! Thanks for sharing the warning that there’s nothing to do in this state and that really the only thing to see is an out of control population of venomous ducks.
The Articles That Make Idaho Look Great? That Was a Typo.*
Idaho is actually spelled I-O-W-A. Thanks to Brant D. for proofreading and correctly our headlines like “These 4 Stunning IOWA Blue Lakes Must Be On Your Summer Bucket List” and “Surf's Up At This Incredible IOWA Indoor Waterpark.” We’re really embarrassed about the mistake, but Jeff D. says it happens all the time. Iowa’s really beautiful. Idaho’s is terribly ugly and full of nothing but desolate desert and potato fields.
Did Someone Say Deadly Ankle Snakes?*
Sheila F. posted a video of an adult snake and a baby snake trying to chow down on a catfish she took while visiting Ritter Island, one of the “blue lake” areas we shared in our original article. Barry B. said the “ankle snakes” take lives every summer and will definitely be the worst on June 20, Fourth of July Weekend and another weekend in either August or September.
Now…we should also point out those dates line up with HIS trips to the Magic Valley where the lakes we shared are located. We can only assume that Barry B. is a world class snake wrangler who’s going to relocate these nasty little things to protect the land that he loves. (In full disclosure, Sheila’s video is real…but the snakes are terrestrial garter snakes, the most common water snakes in Idaho. Are they creepy? Sure. Are they dangerous? Not really. They’re not poisonous and if you leave them alone, they’ll leave you alone.)
Three Words. Poisonous. Acidic. Water.*
If Vance H. says it, it must be true. He very clearly said “stay away.” Clearly ankle snakes and venomous ducks are immune to the effects of it. They actually thrive in poisonous, acidic water.
*This article is satire. None of the claims (except the existence of garter snakes at Ritter Island and the fact that bears, mountain lions and wolves are native to Idaho) are true. All eight of these reasons came directly from some of the absolute hilarious comments our listeners left on the "Blue Lakes" article when we shared it on Facebook last week.
Oh, you thought we don't read your comments? We do. Thank you for cracking us up and taking the time to interact with us on social media.