Trump Says First Act As President: Buy Islam

It's no secret that multi-billionaire Donald Trump is running for president.

In his announcement speech, during what could have potentially been one of the most awkward beginnings, middles, and endings of Neil Young's 1989 "Rockin in the Free World", the Donald sidestepped that landmine when he scolded the song into cessation, much like a pastor yells at his kids during the sermon:

But when the cameras stopped rolling, things got rather strange. He outlined his seven-point plan -- "seven" being what Trump calls God's most perfect, luxurious amount of plan steps -- fortunately, our Senior Political Team was on the scene:

1)  Buy Islam. Trump continued, "Islam's problem is that they're power hungry. Their religion has caused them to be a thorn in America's side, and I won't let it continue. Look, I'm telling you that Islam will go from being pro-evil, to pro-fitable. They're all a bunch of losers, but with me as president, America will once again become the number one country. We are the number one country in the world, but this place sucks. We will become number one again. We're number one!"

2) Name change: llamas to be renamed to "Pmurt." Trump said llama sounds too much like Obama, and America deserves a "better animal" in their zoos. When asked why he chose his own last name to be spelled backwards, Trump simply responded, "The P is silent, you moron." He later said he misheard the question.

3) Require all divorcees, Muslims, LGBT people, nonwhites, impoverished or "poverees" (ph.) as he calls them, to provide their long-form birth certificates to their nearest Pmurt.

4) Defeat immigration. Trump argues that immigration has formed a trifecta of terror upon American jobs.

"No longer will they steal, leech, and suckle at the government's teets for inferior, low-grade milk. I will feed them Trump milk, the most perfect, luxurious cow juice available on planet Earth."

5) Erect walls. "Look, the Mexicans are gonna build a wall between us and those Pmurts. I speak with animal control everyday and they tell us what's really going on with them. Hey, I'm not a bad guy. I assume there are some good Mexicans. But mark my words, we're gonna build it cheaply, and I will force them to do it. I'm telling you right now that Pmurt meat is going to be the best-selling consumer product by 2017."

6) Neighborhood Education Vans "NEV's" to sell educational ISIS-cream to children at gunpoint. "It's cold, it's rich like me, and it tastes like garbage," Trump says, "which will feed kids the truth to their insides. I'm telling you right now, this will fix our nation's great children."

7) Beat China. "Look, when was the last time anyone beat a Chinese person? Not Obama. Not Pelosi. Not Biden. I just beat a Chinese guy yesterday. And two the day before that. First, I sold him a piece of real estate for $15 million, and then, I beat him. Savagely. And now he has one of the finest, most extravagent, deluxe bruises you have ever seen this side of the Gulf of Mexicans."

*This post is satire. Because satire is funnier when you have to state it explicitly.......